Oh my FUCKING god! Why is it when i have an original idea that is awesome i look arround and two or more people have done the same fucking thing!!!!! I feel like i should just quit thinking!!! Oh and by the way, they got a ” good job ” for the same idea. ( just twist the knife ).

Just had an hour long conversation with the most talented and smartest person that i know! I can only pray that her dreams become reality because she can do what ever she puts her mind to and that ability will take her to the stars. If this blog is ever seen by any other humans, take note now, i am predicting the future as to her stardom! She is much younger than i am but she is my inspiration and my best friend! I love her so much!

I hate feeling like im worthless. Too many times something needs to be done and when someone asks for it to be done, i make the decision to do it and before i get to complete my plans, someone pops up out of the blue and does it. Each time that happens, i feel like i just sit around and dont do a damn thing. Im not anywhere close to being the dad that i should be but these times make me look like im just that much farther away from the mark than i thought.
I can only hope that i am the only one that thinks this way because i find myself looking for opportunity after opportunity to be needed or wanted and as each day passes i realize that i am truly needed less and less each day. I shudder when i think that some day i will be sitting here barly able to remember the day that i was needed to help somebody or to ” fix my boo boo daddy “. The time will come too soon that i will be alone as a father and my children will be off starting their own lives and planning their own families and my time for being “daddy” will be over. ~just the thoughts for the day~

Once again i am sitting here not understanding why i have that “down” feeling but nevertheless here i am. I wonder if there is some repressed feeling that is stuck in my head and i just cant realize it or if im just getting that “mid life” feeling. I am very aware that im in a position that i dont want to be in. I am dissatisfied in my marriage but am afraid to pull out of it because i dont want to fall on my face financially any more than i am already especially when my children would falter as well. Enough for now, till next time….